please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
