dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
