Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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