he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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