i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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