I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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