its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
