My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
