I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
