you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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