Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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