how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
