I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
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Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
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My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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