At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
