When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
