What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
