I cannot find my penis.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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