I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Even my vagina gasped.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
