life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
