dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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