Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize