I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
