hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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