Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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