I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
