I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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