She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I fill condoms, not promises.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
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