Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
