I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
