Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
