dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
