I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize