I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
There r osticjed everywhere
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
