I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
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I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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