nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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