Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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