I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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