So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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