girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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