i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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