I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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