I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
