im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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