when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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