Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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