The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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