I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
