I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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