Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
