The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
