My sheets look like a crime scene.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
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