How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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