nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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