I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
