I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
