I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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