just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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